Apr. 7th, 2012

Shit sucks.

Apr. 7th, 2012 01:50 am
glamjam: (Young Ones; who likes me?)
Depression fucking sucks.

Like, HOLY WHOA SHIT IT SUCKS.

Although there are a lot of similarities that show up when a bunch of depressed people talk about their depression, it also affects people really differently. I'm not sure why it came to mind, but on a blog I follow, the author talks about their depression in a such a way as to sound like an authority on the subject, which always ends up rubbing me the wrong way. Intellectually, I know that this person was only talking about their own experiences, but emotionally, it felt like they were saying that...I don't know, THIS IS THE WAY BEING DEPRESSED IS. And the way this mental illness affectz them was *not* the same way it affects me. And sometimes it really does feel like Mental Illness (TM).

I've been having a really down week. Just ask Ryan. He gets to deal with my emo bullshit day in and day out. Sometimes I think it's fair, since when he gets depressed he just shuts down and won't talk until he feels better (even if that's days and days), but then again it's not something that's tit for tat. I generally stay up until 1 or 2 am and if I'm having a bad day, as I have been, I'll start getting seriously emo and overthink-y. Sometimes it's a really good thing that he's busy at work during this time and can't hold a steady conversation - I could have said some seriously stupid shit if given the chance. (like "You should go find a more stable girlfriend who isn't broken in the head" or "I feel like I only get your full attention when I'm freaking out" or "I know you're going to break up with me because I'm so fucking depressed" or "Why aren't you psychic and know exactly what to say/do?")

It feels like I'm starting to come out of this particular funk, which is why I'm actually able to write all this stuff out. Otherwise, doing so would only make me cry...which is basically how I've gone to sleep most nights this week.

I hate my depression. I don't like how it makes me feel, but I dislike even more how I react to how it makes me feel - I hate being so irrational and feeling so alone and thinking that no one cares about me. Especially when I'm depressed, I don't think I'm deserving of love, which makes everything harder to deal with.

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