glamjam: (Night sky)
I'm having a crappy night.

I know that everything is being exacerbated by the fact that I had issues swallowing my pills when I was sick last week, and I've been bad at getting back on them since. Duly acknowledged and I'm working on it.

Thing 1) Not sure if I'm going to see Ryan this week, which is kind of a big emotional trigger right now. I'm pretty sure I'll see him on Saturday for the Halloween party, but that's not the same with 1-on-1 time that is mostly spent cuddling. I think the concept of not getting time with him during the week is a big issue at the moment because I didn't see him 7 months and although he's closer now I'm seeing him a little at a time, we haven't done a big hangout of multiple days and actually sleeping the night together, which is what I'm used to happening after a prolonged absence. So even though I have him in my life more, it still feels like we're kind of in limbo? Additional challenges include my place being the only location where we can hangout freely and be ourselves; I could go up to Vancouver to his place, but his parents are home a lot and I have to be a platonic friend when I'm there.

Thing 2) My dad's been talking up a storm of my parents moving into a smaller place lately, and while this isn't going to happen anytime soon (say, the next 6-12 months), it's making me freak the fuck out because, hi? I'm unemployed, have no prospects, and nowhere to go when they move into a smaller place that has no room for me.

Thing 3) It's time for my mom's quarterly meeting, which means she's off to Bend, in eastern Oregon, for 3 days and nights. Not a big deal, except that leaves me home with my dad for that time and the way things have been going lately, I'm worried that we're just going to fight the whole time and that does my emotional state no favors.

Thing 4) I didn't get hired back on at Harry & David's, which was really unexpected. I suppose I should have been more cautious about it, but since I left in good standing last season, I thought getting the position again would be fairly easy. So yeah. Feeling really useless in the job regard.

Thing 5) I'm on my period this week, which makes everything exponentially worse.


So basically I want to be wrapped up in a certain someone's arms so I feel safe and less like things are going to hell, but no dice. I have all of the alone and oh jesus, ALL OF THE CRYING. And then I feeling fucking dumb because, hey, it could be so much worse. Cancer, etc.
glamjam: (Night sky)
Today's been ridiculously emo for me, but at least last night was okay.

After my shift at IOW, I had a crafting date with Carri. I had to get a couple of shirts to destroy on the way there, which ended up being spendier than I would have liked. Ah well, I'm not known for my ability to plan well. I made Carri a new Beth Ditto and feminist symbol stencil, since the shirts she made with them last week ended up being to small. We both made shirts that said "f*ck ladylike", which I can't wait to wear. (At some point, I'm going to have to make a post all the new shirts I've gotten lately. Argh.)

Carri's friend Shannon was there, too - I don't know her terribly well, but she's quite nice and sarcastic!. After crafting, discussing the various states of romatic attachments and the etiquette of sex clubs, we had dinner - a vegan pizza, italian soda, minty Newman-Os, and a vegan chocolate ganache-banana cream pie.

We also watched "Whip It", which I'd never seen, but is now one of my favorite-est things ever. (And something I desperately need an icon for.)


Other things of interest:
* I have a job interview on Tuesday at Bullseye Glass
* My healthy project started on the first, but being emo is making it difficult
* Haven't talked to Ryan for almost 5 days

*sigh*

boo.

May. 7th, 2012 03:05 am
glamjam: (panic!)
It's three in the morning and I'm drinking a London Fog and listening to the Hours soundtrack. I'm still sick and should be in bed. Well.

emo Mary is emo )

In short: I'm lonely and crying a lot and wish I could get a fucking snuggle from my boyfriend/best friend.

Shit sucks.

Apr. 7th, 2012 01:50 am
glamjam: (Young Ones; who likes me?)
Depression fucking sucks.

Like, HOLY WHOA SHIT IT SUCKS.

Although there are a lot of similarities that show up when a bunch of depressed people talk about their depression, it also affects people really differently. I'm not sure why it came to mind, but on a blog I follow, the author talks about their depression in a such a way as to sound like an authority on the subject, which always ends up rubbing me the wrong way. Intellectually, I know that this person was only talking about their own experiences, but emotionally, it felt like they were saying that...I don't know, THIS IS THE WAY BEING DEPRESSED IS. And the way this mental illness affectz them was *not* the same way it affects me. And sometimes it really does feel like Mental Illness (TM).

I've been having a really down week. Just ask Ryan. He gets to deal with my emo bullshit day in and day out. Sometimes I think it's fair, since when he gets depressed he just shuts down and won't talk until he feels better (even if that's days and days), but then again it's not something that's tit for tat. I generally stay up until 1 or 2 am and if I'm having a bad day, as I have been, I'll start getting seriously emo and overthink-y. Sometimes it's a really good thing that he's busy at work during this time and can't hold a steady conversation - I could have said some seriously stupid shit if given the chance. (like "You should go find a more stable girlfriend who isn't broken in the head" or "I feel like I only get your full attention when I'm freaking out" or "I know you're going to break up with me because I'm so fucking depressed" or "Why aren't you psychic and know exactly what to say/do?")

It feels like I'm starting to come out of this particular funk, which is why I'm actually able to write all this stuff out. Otherwise, doing so would only make me cry...which is basically how I've gone to sleep most nights this week.

I hate my depression. I don't like how it makes me feel, but I dislike even more how I react to how it makes me feel - I hate being so irrational and feeling so alone and thinking that no one cares about me. Especially when I'm depressed, I don't think I'm deserving of love, which makes everything harder to deal with.

* * * * *
photo of stuff! )
glamjam: (bat babies ♥)
I found some jobs to apply to later if I can get out of this funk.

I want to sleep all the time. I miss Ryan a lot. I wish I could hang out with friends more often and not start out the day in a lonely funk. I don't have motivation for anything.

Ngh.
glamjam: (Default)
I've been kind of depressed yesterday and today (thus far). Got into it with dad yesterday, got belittled, cried, got pissed, had to go to work after. Ick.

I have a bit of time before work today, so I'm going to try and leave early and get my holds from the library and maybe go to the new coffee shop in downtown Gresham. I had a mocha there last week, but I haven't tried the chai yet.

Also, I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but my job DOESN'T end as of the first. I guess a number of people are going to be taking some vacation now that we're not busy, so my manager's going to keep me on for awhile. She said it's probably not permanent and obviously the hours will be a lot less, but still!

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