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glamjamIt's three in the morning and I'm drinking a London Fog and listening to the Hours soundtrack. I'm still sick and should be in bed. Well.
I've cried a lot today. Hell, I'll probably cry a bit while I type; such is the way my tear ducts work.
I finally broke down and told Ryan that I was feeling invisible and overlooked. I've been putting off saying it because I haven't known how to say anything without it just being a statement and not a Big Thing. I think it ended up being a Middling Thing. I tried not to be accusatory, but it seems like that failed (even though I pointed out that I feel like this regarding a number of people right now). He eventually told me that he was busier than usual, and a bit after that that this company at work had switched hands and therefore everyone was being on their toes.
Okay. That's fine. That's a good reason to be busy and not talk much. But it's also something you need to TELL someone about. I guess I understand that it probably slipped his mind since I'm not exactly a physical presence in his daily life. (August, wilt thou come quicker?) If would have been nice to avoid this particular bout of thinking I've become boring or done something wrong, though.
There are a lot of other friends who I feel kind of...forgotten by, as well. I think my birthday a few weeks ago brought this to the surface. Some of them have good reasons to be distant, which make me feel like a jerk for being needy. Some are just busy and oblivious. At any rate, it gets tiring and depressing to be the one always suggesting hanging out. (Not to mention that ridiculous head-space where I reallyreallyREALLY want to be around another person, but only specific people will do and they're never the people who are available. You're failing, brain.)
(Tangent: I get frustrated when people post all their holiday/birthday loot on their journals, and yeah, this is totally because I've never gotten as many gifts as other people. Oh look! Your family got you SO MUCH CRAP that it takes 3 photos to show it all! Woooooooow. /not totally bitter that my birthday haul was a $10 check from my grandma.)
It's difficult that the two people I most want to spend with each live 1000+ miles away. Vegas? Edmonton? Become Portland at once.
Having a lot of time on my hands doesn't help much. More time to dwell on missing people. I wish I could get back into being as engaged with IOW as I used to be - that would help pass the time, but I just...can't. (I totally have a lot of good friends from IOW, to boot. But none seem to be local-besty material. *sigh*)
In short: I'm lonely and crying a lot and wish I could get a fucking snuggle from my boyfriend/best friend.
I've cried a lot today. Hell, I'll probably cry a bit while I type; such is the way my tear ducts work.
I finally broke down and told Ryan that I was feeling invisible and overlooked. I've been putting off saying it because I haven't known how to say anything without it just being a statement and not a Big Thing. I think it ended up being a Middling Thing. I tried not to be accusatory, but it seems like that failed (even though I pointed out that I feel like this regarding a number of people right now). He eventually told me that he was busier than usual, and a bit after that that this company at work had switched hands and therefore everyone was being on their toes.
Okay. That's fine. That's a good reason to be busy and not talk much. But it's also something you need to TELL someone about. I guess I understand that it probably slipped his mind since I'm not exactly a physical presence in his daily life. (August, wilt thou come quicker?) If would have been nice to avoid this particular bout of thinking I've become boring or done something wrong, though.
There are a lot of other friends who I feel kind of...forgotten by, as well. I think my birthday a few weeks ago brought this to the surface. Some of them have good reasons to be distant, which make me feel like a jerk for being needy. Some are just busy and oblivious. At any rate, it gets tiring and depressing to be the one always suggesting hanging out. (Not to mention that ridiculous head-space where I reallyreallyREALLY want to be around another person, but only specific people will do and they're never the people who are available. You're failing, brain.)
(Tangent: I get frustrated when people post all their holiday/birthday loot on their journals, and yeah, this is totally because I've never gotten as many gifts as other people. Oh look! Your family got you SO MUCH CRAP that it takes 3 photos to show it all! Woooooooow. /not totally bitter that my birthday haul was a $10 check from my grandma.)
It's difficult that the two people I most want to spend with each live 1000+ miles away. Vegas? Edmonton? Become Portland at once.
Having a lot of time on my hands doesn't help much. More time to dwell on missing people. I wish I could get back into being as engaged with IOW as I used to be - that would help pass the time, but I just...can't. (I totally have a lot of good friends from IOW, to boot. But none seem to be local-besty material. *sigh*)
In short: I'm lonely and crying a lot and wish I could get a fucking snuggle from my boyfriend/best friend.
