Glamjam

I'm having a crappy night.

I know that everything is being exacerbated by the fact that I had issues swallowing my pills when I was sick last week, and I've been bad at getting back on them since. Duly acknowledged and I'm working on it.

Thing 1) Not sure if I'm going to see Ryan this week, which is kind of a big emotional trigger right now. I'm pretty sure I'll see him on Saturday for the Halloween party, but that's not the same with 1-on-1 time that is mostly spent cuddling. I think the concept of not getting time with him during the week is a big issue at the moment because I didn't see him 7 months and although he's closer now I'm seeing him a little at a time, we haven't done a big hangout of multiple days and actually sleeping the night together, which is what I'm used to happening after a prolonged absence. So even though I have him in my life more, it still feels like we're kind of in limbo? Additional challenges include my place being the only location where we can hangout freely and be ourselves; I could go up to Vancouver to his place, but his parents are home a lot and I have to be a platonic friend when I'm there.

Thing 2) My dad's been talking up a storm of my parents moving into a smaller place lately, and while this isn't going to happen anytime soon (say, the next 6-12 months), it's making me freak the fuck out because, hi? I'm unemployed, have no prospects, and nowhere to go when they move into a smaller place that has no room for me.

Thing 3) It's time for my mom's quarterly meeting, which means she's off to Bend, in eastern Oregon, for 3 days and nights. Not a big deal, except that leaves me home with my dad for that time and the way things have been going lately, I'm worried that we're just going to fight the whole time and that does my emotional state no favors.

Thing 4) I didn't get hired back on at Harry & David's, which was really unexpected. I suppose I should have been more cautious about it, but since I left in good standing last season, I thought getting the position again would be fairly easy. So yeah. Feeling really useless in the job regard.

Thing 5) I'm on my period this week, which makes everything exponentially worse.


So basically I want to be wrapped up in a certain someone's arms so I feel safe and less like things are going to hell, but no dice. I have all of the alone and oh jesus, ALL OF THE CRYING. And then I feeling fucking dumb because, hey, it could be so much worse. Cancer, etc.

It's three in the morning and I'm drinking a London Fog and listening to the Hours soundtrack. I'm still sick and should be in bed. Well.

( emo Mary is emo )

In short: I'm lonely and crying a lot and wish I could get a fucking snuggle from my boyfriend/best friend.