Glamjam

Today's been ridiculously emo for me, but at least last night was okay.

After my shift at IOW, I had a crafting date with Carri. I had to get a couple of shirts to destroy on the way there, which ended up being spendier than I would have liked. Ah well, I'm not known for my ability to plan well. I made Carri a new Beth Ditto and feminist symbol stencil, since the shirts she made with them last week ended up being to small. We both made shirts that said "f*ck ladylike", which I can't wait to wear. (At some point, I'm going to have to make a post all the new shirts I've gotten lately. Argh.)

Carri's friend Shannon was there, too - I don't know her terribly well, but she's quite nice and sarcastic!. After crafting, discussing the various states of romatic attachments and the etiquette of sex clubs, we had dinner - a vegan pizza, italian soda, minty Newman-Os, and a vegan chocolate ganache-banana cream pie.

We also watched "Whip It", which I'd never seen, but is now one of my favorite-est things ever. (And something I desperately need an icon for.)


Other things of interest:
* I have a job interview on Tuesday at Bullseye Glass
* My healthy project started on the first, but being emo is making it difficult
* Haven't talked to Ryan for almost 5 days

*sigh*

I finally remembered to upload more icons. Huzza!

Copypasta from Facebook:

( a glimpse of zines to come )


Also, I got an email that Planned Parenthood was finally hiring some non-bilingual call centers flunkies, so I applied for that.

Depression fucking sucks.

Like, HOLY WHOA SHIT IT SUCKS.

Although there are a lot of similarities that show up when a bunch of depressed people talk about their depression, it also affects people really differently. I'm not sure why it came to mind, but on a blog I follow, the author talks about their depression in a such a way as to sound like an authority on the subject, which always ends up rubbing me the wrong way. Intellectually, I know that this person was only talking about their own experiences, but emotionally, it felt like they were saying that...I don't know, THIS IS THE WAY BEING DEPRESSED IS. And the way this mental illness affectz them was *not* the same way it affects me. And sometimes it really does feel like Mental Illness (TM).

I've been having a really down week. Just ask Ryan. He gets to deal with my emo bullshit day in and day out. Sometimes I think it's fair, since when he gets depressed he just shuts down and won't talk until he feels better (even if that's days and days), but then again it's not something that's tit for tat. I generally stay up until 1 or 2 am and if I'm having a bad day, as I have been, I'll start getting seriously emo and overthink-y. Sometimes it's a really good thing that he's busy at work during this time and can't hold a steady conversation - I could have said some seriously stupid shit if given the chance. (like "You should go find a more stable girlfriend who isn't broken in the head" or "I feel like I only get your full attention when I'm freaking out" or "I know you're going to break up with me because I'm so fucking depressed" or "Why aren't you psychic and know exactly what to say/do?")

It feels like I'm starting to come out of this particular funk, which is why I'm actually able to write all this stuff out. Otherwise, doing so would only make me cry...which is basically how I've gone to sleep most nights this week.

I hate my depression. I don't like how it makes me feel, but I dislike even more how I react to how it makes me feel - I hate being so irrational and feeling so alone and thinking that no one cares about me. Especially when I'm depressed, I don't think I'm deserving of love, which makes everything harder to deal with.

* * * * *
( photo of stuff! )

Therefore, a bullet list.

* I've been more depressed than normal for the past couple of weeks and it's been difficult. Especially for the last week, Ryan's been in a bad mood and therefore uncommunicative, which makes things worse. I probably spend the most time with him and with Laura and Mike, who are out of town dealing with Mike's cancer surgery. It's been pretty lonely, even though I've been trying to find ways to keep myself engaged and in a good mood.

* A good example of succeeding (mostly) at a good mood happened yesterday. I went downtown on my own with a fist full of dollars from donating plasma and decided to enjoy myself. I stopped by the Saturday Market and got a new hair stick since I accidentally murdered my old one last fall - the new one is pretty and has a star on it. Then I got a mango bubble tea shake...thing. I think it was really just a mango shake with boba/tapioca, but whatever. IT WAS DELICIOUS. Made with actual mango and only $3! I also went to Fat Fancy to actually shop and got a cute red dress for summer and a kick-ass t-shirt that was made locally (it's lavender and has a screen print of Daisy Duck that says "You're nothing without feminist art." \o/ )
Then I went to Sizzle Pie and had some pizza, and endless soda, and finished a book.

* I've been reading a lot of Dorothy Allison lately and it's felt good. It's been a while since I've read a book which...spurred me into actually thinking and being analytical, and Allison's "Skin: Talking About Sex, Class, and Literature"(1994) did just that. It's been really refreshing. (And I get to see her speak on April 10th! :D :D :D )

* I started a separate account for food stuff. http://lavender-tea.dreamwidth.org/
It's sort of for whatever relating to food and eating, a space to talk about my food issues, etc. I felt that needed it's own space separate from my main journal.

* Tomorrow, I'm going to go outside and measure the plot of land that I talked dad into letting me use this summer. I want to try growing a couple of vegetables, along with putting some of my herbs into the ground. I'm going to ask a few friends what they've had good luck growing and go from there. (I'll probably do a whole post on that at some point.)

* 60 books were culled from my book shelves last night and you can't even tell. THAT'S HOW MANY GODDAMN BOOKS I HAVE.

I'm typing up stuff about the past week, mostly for myself but also for those of you who care.

In the meantime, here are some things I plan to do tomorrow:

- donate plasma and get some monies

- NOT oogle new phones because I can't afford and don't need one despite the prettiness of Stephanie's Droid 3. >_>

- probably go to Goodwill because I haven't been to a thrift store in forever and shopping is good for depression
Got an awesome sweater and Sarah Waters latest novel ! :D

- run my clothes from the motel through the drier to kill possible bedbugs (or fleas? whatever the fuck bit me!)

- job hunt and send resumes/cover letters to the couple of jobs I found tonight
Applied for a job at OMSI, whoo!

- clean in my room a bit

- ponder what I want "eating well" to mean to me

- possibly give myself a sleep schedule

- continue reading "The Hunger Games"

I am!

Getting out of bed/out of the house is always the hardest part, though. I'm still in PJ's and sitting on my bed, but I'll be out of the house in half an hour or so.

Today shall consist of:
- donating plasma/getting $36 for it
- getting delicious Indian noms from Bombay Chaat House for the first time in 2 months (I think I'm going to get shahi paneer, garlic naan, and a mango lassi OMNOM)
- possibly go to Powell's and finally pick up a complete set of Sherlock Holmes
- get the February print calendar for In Other Words printed
- go to IOW and have a volunteer pajama party with snacks, making tie-dye t-shirts, and 80's music

So yes. It should be good. :)

I found out yesterday that this is my last week at my job. I understand why I'm being let go now (there are very few payroll hours in January), but it's still very frustrating.

The upside, I suppose, is that I now have professional retail experience. I don't want to go through job hunting again, though.

Basically, I'm gonna be depressed for a bit now. :\

Thank you, mysterious paid-time donor. ♥